‘Not wanting to settle is an excellent start and stop’

DEAR DORA

‘Not wanting to settle is an excellent start and stop’

Dear Dora,

I was marr ied for 29 years but the last 10 years were dead, although we tried, so we sepa­rated on friendly terms. In that same year my two children left the house and both my parents passed away. I then sold my business and left the countr y.

I’ve spent the last nine years living alone going through an in-depth healing process. I’ve missed intimacy but know I needed to be whole and healthy. I am now slowly reen­tering social circles, but haven’t been attracted to anyone. I feel I’m open but not needy and will know when the r ight guy comes along. He has to feel r ight on all levels because I won’t settle! I just can’t get into casual dating. There is too much drama and then it becomes sticky. Some of my fr iends have met potential rela­tionships through the Internet.

For me, age and other surface character istics do not matter as much as essence. I’m look­ing for someone with sensitiv­ity and depth and a willingness to explore. Are the pickin’s slim because of my age? Attitude?

Or do you think I’m holding back? What would you advise? I need another perspective.

Bewildered

Dear Bewildered,

Wow. What a remarkable adventure you’ve been on.

First, I want to congratu­late you on the bravery you’ve chosen to exercise in this life.

Many of us do not have the will or courage to take such a deep and honest look at ourselves, especially for the amount of time that you have. There is a lot to address in your question, so I’ll start with Internet dating. Finding love on the Inter net is an urban concept designed to resemble the efficient, logical, and “real time” nature of the lives of pro­fessional singles in fast-paced urban settings.

It’s a concept that has yet to gain traction in the vacuum of time that we rural folks live in.

However, of the nearly 50 million people that use Internet dating, 18 percent of them find a relationship that lasts longer than a year and 7 percent of them go on to marry their e-love. Internet dating has restored the once-antiquated sequence of romantic relation­ships, wherein we’re allowed to get to know the person we’re interested in, lear n about their values, their character, before we become physically intimate with them.

Men engaging in Internet dating are found to be more committed to the dating process. Men on the Internet are also more likely to share par ts of themselves that they wouldn’t in more conventional dating circumstances.

One has to exercise obvious caution if they’re going to date via the Inter net, but as a world­ly woman such as yourself, I’m sure your instincts will ser ve you in this setting as well.

Long stor y shor t, I think the urban folks have devel­oped something we should pay attention to, especially in a town where, yes, the pickin’s are slim.

The top three ways to uti­lize Internet dating sites is to be honest about who you are, don’t write a autobiography, but be thorough; avoid com­ing across as jaded, egotistical, neurotic and/or desperate; and finally, don’t create a laundry list of traits you’re looking for in a par tner. Not wanting to settle is an excellent start and stop.

Leaving it at that will allow the other person to surpr ise you.

From the sound of it you’re in pr ime position to meet someone who fulfills you.

You’re open but not needy.

You’ve spent enough time alone that you know being alone is not some state of emotional leprosy, and you’ve worked hard to heal from the ser ies of losses that shook your foundation.

My only hesitation about your current mindset, and this hesitation is somewhat uninfor med due to not know­ing you personally, is that you may be putting off a bit of the perfection vibe. There is a fine line, and believe me that line is faint if not darn right blurry, between settling and accepting that no one is per fect.

No person is per fect and therefore no relationship is perfect. In my experience, there are moments of per fection in relationships but as a whole, they will try you no matter how well suited someone is for you.

The r ule I have adopted as of late is that I won’t be with anyone who does not enhance my life. It’s simple, it’s concrete in the sense that as you put it, I know it when I see it, or rather, feel it. The par ticulars that once hindered me no longer apply. I just want someone who won’t diminish the life and light I have worked so hard to attain.

There is nothing wrong with wanting someone to “feel right on all levels”, with age, hurt, and the inevitable wisdom that accompanies this, we have the r ight to audaciously reject com­promise. However, in allowing the inevitable imper fection of others and the subsequent not­r ight- on-all-levels-all-the-time that accompanies these imper­fections, we open ourselves up to the dance of bending and molding, whilst staying firm and resolved.

It is this dance that teaches us, evolves us, and brings us both the pain and joy that invar iably comes with com­panionship.

DOROTHY FORBES